Jewelry Commercials Are Bogus

I have long had frustration with jewelry commercials. Sometimes that frustration leads to downright anger, sometimes it leads to uncontrollable laughter. I think we can all agree that most jewelry commercials are painfully unrealistic. They are corny. So. SO. Corny. The acting is always horrible and the writing is even worse. Let’s take a closer look at a few that have really stuck out for me.

Here’s one from awhile back that I’ve been annoyed with from the moment I saw it:

First of all: who turns around so dramatically and jumps into their significant others’ arms because of a little thunder and lightening? I can tell you: someone desperate for some new jewelry, someone who feels the need to give that “special someone” an ever-so-gentle ego boost, and/or someone who is horny. This girl needs some game.
Secondly. This man’s voice is creepy. It’s so deep and dark- like the secrets he’s probably hiding by distracting this woman with shiny things. When he pauses, changes his tone completely, and then reinforces the fact that he will never leave his woman’s side: RED FLAG! RED FLAG, LADY! This man is a psychopath! One of the top comments under the YouTube video says it all. “Every kill begins with Kay…. Don’t worry. I’ve cut the phone lines and hid all the flashlights so we can be together forever.”
Next. The announcer states “The new Love’s Embrace Collection from Kay Jewelers. Now you can surround her with the strength of your love. Give her diamonds in a design that captures the comfort found in each others’ arms.” {Please excuse me while I run to the bathroom to throw up.} Do men really buy diamonds because of the design they symbolize?! Uh. The answer is no. Men buy diamonds because they know think their lady-friend will b- er- complain if they don’t. Men buy diamonds because they didn’t get laid for three weeks after your first Christmas as a married couple when they shopped off your leftover bridal registry and you were ticked. (Oh, I’m so sorry, some personal bitterness and rage just escaped there.) Men buy diamonds because they would like to have sexual intercourse in the near future (like, preferably right after they help you put on that new bling).
To top it off, the woman says, “Don’t let go. Ever.” Oh, I see whatcha did there. You’re one of those women who likes to be controlled and creeped on. Ew.

This next one has been out for years. I’m not sure if it’s just played locally, but luckily for anyone who may read this from outside northwest Ohio, here you go:

This is your classic low-budget commercial with horrible writing, directing, and acting. Throw in a corny story-line and we’re all set! There’s really not much else to say about this one, but if you come up with something witty, by all means, do share.

This next one, I admit, I didn’t have the same thoughts or feelings as everyone else seems to have at first. Take a look:

The first thing I actually thought was not about the creepiness of this grown man saying to his fiancee’s daughter, “I’m glad you’re in my life too.” But it was feelings of jealousy that some nine year old is about to get a more expensive necklace than I’ve ever probably even viewed through the glass of a display case while being stared at by employees who are thinking, “There’s no way you can afford this, honky!” After that envy wore off, I realized the rest. Whether he is a creeper or not, he sure sounds like one. I’m guessing he’s probably thinking, Hang on to this, because you might need to pawn it off the day you turn 18 and I kick your butt out so I can get your mom all to myself! But for now, I’m pretending to like you, you little brat… Just look at your mom’s face… Oh yeah, she wants me right now.

And last, but certainly not least, there’s this little gem, that really prompted me to write this post. There are so many things wrong with this next commercial:
[Unfortunately I cannot get this particular video to embed, so I will have to past the web address. Please click, or copy and paste into your browser to watch. It’s worth it.]

http://www.ispot.tv/ad/7d5Z/kay-jewelers-open-hearts-collection-dads-room

Okay, where do I start? First of all, just, no. There must have been months worth of arguments, snide comments, phones being thrown across rooms, eye rolls, and long nights of silence that the jewelry industry kindly left out of this 30 second bundle of lies and joy. I love how she’s adjusting the lamp shade as her husband walks into the room. Who does that?! And the room is perfect. Really? Maybe it’s just me that would never be able to get rid of enough crap (or enough kids) to make enough room for an in-law to have an entire room in my house. And they are just too happy about this. I mean it’s one thing if you made it work and agreed to it (eventually) but it’s another thing to say, “Our home is his home.” They must not have had time to include the line, “…because you insisted that this was our only option and I’m not cruel enough to let the man live on the streets. But I tell you, as soon as he’s better- or kicks the bucket- I want my crafting room back!”**

EDIT 2/14/13:::: Well, Happy Valentine’s Day! I can’t believe I forgot the following commercial:

Clearly the woman is this man’s “beard.” Do you know any guys who are excited about going into a photo booth? Do you know any guys who suggest going into a photo booth?? Do you know any guys who frolick to said photo booth??? If your answer to any or all of these is yes, and said man has a girlfriend or wife, you need to have a serious talk with this man. Don’t get me wrong- I wish I didn’t hear moans and groans every time I begged my husband to enter the photo booth of torture, but on the other hand, if he were as excited about it as this dude- I would have some questions.
::::::END EDIT

Enough of this hogwash. Let’s get into my favorite type of video: the spoof.

Since jewelry stores think men need to not only buy expensive jewelry for the women in their lives, but also their lady-friends’ nine year old daughters, why not add St. Patrick’s Day and Groundhog’s Day into the jewelry etiquette calendar? Like this:

This last video is much closer to real-life events. {Please excuse the language, but it is already bleeped out for your listening convenience.}

So, now that I’ve put out there what everyone else was already thinking in their heads, please share your headcase. And share this blogpost if you wish as well!
Oh, and of course, Happy Valentine’s Day!

**I promise you all I’m not as cruel and heartless as that particular paragraph came across. Of course I needed to exaggerate a tiny bit for dramatic effect. 😉